Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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