Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
