dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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