Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
