I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
