Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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