So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Everclear isn't food dammit
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
