is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
