Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
