All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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