I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
