If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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