I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
