All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
