That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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