then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
