All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
