You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Boobs are out for the taking
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
