Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
