Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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