I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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