I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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