I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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