Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
