You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The power of my boobs compel you
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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