tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
