When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
