I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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