yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
