He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
