just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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