This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
