There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
