Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
