I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
How external is "for external use only"?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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