Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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