so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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