When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
