i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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