JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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