just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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