walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
