Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
