My Higher Power is John Stamos
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
