You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
