It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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