Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
