I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
