I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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