wrigley field is MILF paradise
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
