I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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