You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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