Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
