party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
