this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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