Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
