Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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