So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
