OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize